This series of posts is meant to give you guys my experiences within and outside of the military. While I still haven’t mentioned basic training (it’s coming, I promise), there is one thing that I just can’t explain to you…being tired.
Ever since I got out of the Army, I have had less and less nights of full, restful sleep. I used to think that it was too many late nights studying while I was in college, or drinking too much and too late in the evening. But I haven’t had a drink since 2010, and I graduated college before the first Avengers film was released. So it’s got nothing to do with studying medical terminology while sipping a bottle of Wild Turkey.
My wife told me that for a long time, I would shout or growl in my sleep. That I would use every curse word in the book, blame her for things and talk about how much I hated myself. While I don’t remember any of this happening, I have no reason to doubt her and when I would wake up in the morning, I would feel as if I were actually up all night doing something, but what it was, I don’t know. For a while, me venting my frustrations at night would happen a lot more frequently, and while it never got physical, it bothered me when one day I realized it had stopped happening, or at least, it had stopped happening so regularly.
What happens now is I’m defending myself and my wife while I sleep by not letting myself sleep much at all. If you’ve ever been on this website, or on my YouTube channel, you’ll notice that there is a lot of content dropped before five in the morning. That’s because I’m usually up around two-thirty or three writing away or just going numb at my desk. I bring this up because I think I’ve figured it out; I’m waking myself so early in the morning and depriving myself some sleep because I’m tired of feeling angry at night.
You may be wondering what this has to do with the military and you should know that a lot of us deal with being out in our own ways. Some of us never really get out and walk around drinking Monsters and wearing “no fear” t-shirts while shitting on snowflakes on Facebook. Some of us crawl into a bottle and wait to die, some re-enlist and go back to where it’s safe. And if you’re like me, you keep living in the civilian world because the military didn’t actually want you. What makes it worse is when you realize that the civilian world has no real place for you either.
But I’m lucky because my wife and children care about how tired I am and bear with me every day to make sure I’m okay. I’m not saying that every soldier feels the way I’m feeling, but if you know, just let them know that you’re there if they need someone. Because everyone gets tired, angry, lazy and apathetic, just make sure someone doesn’t get lonely.